Why am I trying so hard to earn this girl's respect? When I feel as if she treated me like total shit all along and didn't even care about me, why would I want to earn someone's respect if they treat me as if I'm not someone worth to be around? Why do I feel the need to think about someone who just wants to hurt me? Why would i want to be around someone who only brings me down to a level of sadness and depression? Why would I worry even a little bit about someone who gives me the worst negative vibes I've ever felt? Why do I mentally hurt myself over someone who doesn't give a fuck about me? Why do I feel so bad over something that happened a while ago and which it just doesn't make sense to go back to? Why am I trying to justify myself to something which is so sad and which I think is cool? It's like there's a void inside of me which I think I can fill by thinking about something that happened in the past which is over and which I feel like was a good thing and a bad thing. Why is my mind really fighting to get her? When if I was with her it would only take the fight out of me? Why do I want to stop fighting mentally? It's like a girl will only take the fight out of you mentally. Like they are just big energy drains, which suck all the time and money and emotions and color and love and peace out of you. Why is typing this doing absolutely nothing for me? Why am I looking to music to "cure" this feeling and give me some direction, help make me get over this feeling? I think that I am incapable of actually loving a girl at this point in my life, and I just want to fuck a girl. that's what scares me. Is that I actually fell in love with this girl. I mean I could say that I fell in love with a girl and then get over it because you always fall in love with things that please you and you can't have, but eventually something unexpected happens and you just get over her and move on realizing how foolish you were...
So basically, I am just waiting for a change to happen in my life which will help me get over this girl, because I KNOW that I don't actually love her, love would manifest itself as something else. I am absolutely sure that I don't love her on a purely experiential level, but on another level I am a bit worried that I might actually love her, which kind of pisses me off, because she's really not what I am looking for, it just doesn't absolutely feel like love. It feels more like... just enfatuation with something I cannot have. I must be scared of something that is coming in the future, which I have experienced in the past, and I am scared of the future because I don't know what will happen. From what I have experienced in the past I have not felt this deep of a sense of infatuation with someone, and it hasn't brought me down to this level before. And I'm using meditation as my only checker on this, but honestly how can you find love in something so boring. Maybe I have her confused in to thinking that she might love me. Maybe I know that she doesn't love me, and she knows that she doesn't love me, I just have us both confused by feeling so much attraction and lust towards her. Lust confuses a lot of things. It's funny because I know that I will go deeper in love with someone after her, it is only a matter of time, and she must know that too. I just said all this shit to try to get in her pants and she wouldn't have any of it, and just kept hanging out with me why...? Pity? To do a good deed? To help her karma?? Did I really look like I needed help? Is she just trying to make it look like she was doing a good deed when she really just needed a friend to help her and was embarrassed to admit  it? Why? I don't give a fuck, I need friends too. Are all relationships this confusing and full of embarrassment and shame and depression and sadness? It doesn't sound like a good thing to me. Nothing good will come of something that isn't good unless there's a change.