Just came back from a meditation retreat about a month and a half ago. I say "just got back" because time seems to be at a standstill because not too much has happened since then. This was my seventh ten day retreat I've completed of the Goenka tradition. Add that with a few three days, and serving six ten days and serving a three day, and I think it's safe to say I've spent an abnormal amount of time at meditation retreats for a soon to be 21 year old suburban American. I definately feel better after completing them, but at the same time feel like you have to sacrifice a great deal of time to these things which can take away from any goals and dreams you may wish to achieve, such as moving out of your parents house, being a master of your universe, pursuing material things such as sex and money. On the flip side, I've been able to maintain a daily practice fairly easily, easier than it has ever been with lots of sensations. That magic dhamma spark isn't quite there as strong as when you are at a retreat center with a guide in your presence, but it does appear from time to time. Unfortunately, since I haven't made any progress on things like getting out of my dad's house, I have come to just be a product of living there and have to incorporate that in to the meditation and just accept that any flaws I have in meditation cannot be fully worked out living in the presence of people who know nothing about it.
It is interesting to note that the total retreats I've done would be 7,6,3, which would equate to the number of a bus that runs through albany. An interesting note, although I'm not sure how much significance this has, perhaps a reflection of where I am at in life. A master of meditation, which could be seen as the vehicle, yet still broke and taking the bus in scummy Albany.
Also, when I took ayahuasca the first time in the beginning of may, I realized a tramendous power in it and the ability to let go of what I wanted, almost like a fast track along the path. The confidence that came with it didn't stay in it's entirety, but the knowledge of how much power you can get from it was a good building block to be aware of at such a young age. I was able to see myself as this king of the jungle, almost as a lion among a few other lions and just able to see other people's inner animal, albeit animosity. I'm not sure if ayahuasca and meditation are the answer without a job, because independence would certainly move things along for me right now.
However, I do see significant improvement in overal mental health so it is something that should be pursued. The alcohol that i consumed in college was not beneficial to my health I do not think.
Everything is bullshit and the light will illuminate all darkness. PEACE. 

Why am I trying so hard to earn this girl's respect? When I feel as if she treated me like total shit all along and didn't even care about me, why would I want to earn someone's respect if they treat me as if I'm not someone worth to be around? Why do I feel the need to think about someone who just wants to hurt me? Why would i want to be around someone who only brings me down to a level of sadness and depression? Why would I worry even a little bit about someone who gives me the worst negative vibes I've ever felt? Why do I mentally hurt myself over someone who doesn't give a fuck about me? Why do I feel so bad over something that happened a while ago and which it just doesn't make sense to go back to? Why am I trying to justify myself to something which is so sad and which I think is cool? It's like there's a void inside of me which I think I can fill by thinking about something that happened in the past which is over and which I feel like was a good thing and a bad thing. Why is my mind really fighting to get her? When if I was with her it would only take the fight out of me? Why do I want to stop fighting mentally? It's like a girl will only take the fight out of you mentally. Like they are just big energy drains, which suck all the time and money and emotions and color and love and peace out of you. Why is typing this doing absolutely nothing for me? Why am I looking to music to "cure" this feeling and give me some direction, help make me get over this feeling? I think that I am incapable of actually loving a girl at this point in my life, and I just want to fuck a girl. that's what scares me. Is that I actually fell in love with this girl. I mean I could say that I fell in love with a girl and then get over it because you always fall in love with things that please you and you can't have, but eventually something unexpected happens and you just get over her and move on realizing how foolish you were...
So basically, I am just waiting for a change to happen in my life which will help me get over this girl, because I KNOW that I don't actually love her, love would manifest itself as something else. I am absolutely sure that I don't love her on a purely experiential level, but on another level I am a bit worried that I might actually love her, which kind of pisses me off, because she's really not what I am looking for, it just doesn't absolutely feel like love. It feels more like... just enfatuation with something I cannot have. I must be scared of something that is coming in the future, which I have experienced in the past, and I am scared of the future because I don't know what will happen. From what I have experienced in the past I have not felt this deep of a sense of infatuation with someone, and it hasn't brought me down to this level before. And I'm using meditation as my only checker on this, but honestly how can you find love in something so boring. Maybe I have her confused in to thinking that she might love me. Maybe I know that she doesn't love me, and she knows that she doesn't love me, I just have us both confused by feeling so much attraction and lust towards her. Lust confuses a lot of things. It's funny because I know that I will go deeper in love with someone after her, it is only a matter of time, and she must know that too. I just said all this shit to try to get in her pants and she wouldn't have any of it, and just kept hanging out with me why...? Pity? To do a good deed? To help her karma?? Did I really look like I needed help? Is she just trying to make it look like she was doing a good deed when she really just needed a friend to help her and was embarrassed to admit  it? Why? I don't give a fuck, I need friends too. Are all relationships this confusing and full of embarrassment and shame and depression and sadness? It doesn't sound like a good thing to me. Nothing good will come of something that isn't good unless there's a change.

Why is it so hard to find the energy to work hard and get the devil out of you? Does the devil enjoy breaking people down so that they feel incomplete and worried and neurotic and don't lead good lives all around you? It seems that he has created somewhat of a prison for me.

The truth

Hmmm... Where to begin. Well the thing that is probably most important to everyone is relationships that they have. That's where the "juice" of our society comes from. So let's talk a little about that. I think that all relationships start from within. No matter who you encounter in the outside world, their contact with you started from your contact with yourself. If you treat yourself a certain way, make certain decisions, act a certain way you will encounter outside influences that will impact that lifestyle. This is coming from the point of view of a vipassanna meditator, so naturally I'm going to say that all of our situations arise from the inner situation. From an experiential standpoint I think this holds true.

I treat myself as a follower of my brother. I feel like I can't do my own thing and not follow my brother because I see that he is a pretty powerful and influential person to me and has been my entire life. I feel the need to foolishly copy everything he does because I am afraid to do my own thing. I am afraid to put myself in to everything I do, because I just have never had to do that before. I am a bit like a sheep, following all the other sheep even when my spidey instinct tells me no, you are making a big mistake! It's wierd, I have this inner sense of knowing what feels right and what doesn't, and when it tells me something doesn't feel right I do it anyways. Usually is the source of all my problems. I am a bit blind when it comes to feeling my way through things, stepping out of my prison, and just going with the flow of the world. I need to find something that I love doing which really suits my personality, and maybe I haven't found it yet. In some ways I have, by discovering vipassanna meditation, because it makes me feel peaceful and feel as if everyday I am doing something good for myself, something that unfortunately has become somewhat of a rarity in western society.   However, the thing about meditation is that it is basically sitting down and focusing on your breath for an hour, and sometimes you just don't feel like doing it.